There has been some speculation about the purpose of, what
looks like, a short section of roadway, which has appeared in Sandwell Valley
during the last week.
Although this roadway doesn’t actually lead anywhere yet, I
can reveal, exclusively, that it will.
Sources close to Sandwell have informed me that this is the
first stage of the main runway for Sandwell’s first airport.
To be known as Sandwell International, the airport will be
the hub of a network of airports which are to be built during the next few
years and which are to be located at Tipton; Smethwick; Wednesbury and Oldbury.
Asked about the rationale for the airport network, the new,
£450,000 a year, Sandwell Airports Commissioner said that it was mainly because
the car sharing scheme had not worked as well as the Council would have liked.
Accordingly, the Council, after lengthy investigation and consultation, with
themselves, have sanctioned the in-Borough air transport scheme which, it is
claimed, will reduce road traffic by as much as 1% by 2028.
The Commissioner went on to say that it would provide much
needed additional capacity to cater for things like the influx of visitors to
the fantastic new Tesco store in West Bromwich, and to the hugely successful
art gallery, The Public, although, unfortunately, not before it closes in
November.
‘This is another first for Sandwell,’ he said, ’and will
provide a massive boost to the local economy. We estimate that Sandwell
International will create 2,000 new full-time jobs, 50 of which will be at the
airport itself and the rest in Sandwell Council House.’
But can this be cost-justified?
‘Yes.’ the Commissioner said,’ It has been fully costed,
and, using a new kind of cost sharing scheme, pioneered by the Private
Initiative ‘Sandwell Style’ Office, we are confident that the costs of the
project will be met.’
Pressed on this point, the Commissioner elaborated.’ The
Private Initiative ‘Sandwell Style’ Office will be calling on Sandwell
residents, who will benefit most from the initiative, to shoulder a fair share
of the costs. So, there will be a Council Tax Airport supplement of £1 per
house per annum, which will, over the next 250 years, raise £31.5 million. And’
he said’ the Office has applied to the Arts Council for the other £43.5
billion.’
Has there been any reaction yet from the Arts Council?
‘Oh Yes,’ said the Commissioner,’We were greatly encouraged
by an almost immediate response.’
Which was?
‘Well, we are in the process of clarifying that at the
moment. The text of the response seems to have been largely lost, due to some
technical matter, leaving only an abridged form of the Office’s address, but we
expect to have the full text soon.’
No one from the Council was available for comment as they
are still all on holiday in case it starts raining here.
However, we were able to speak to someone from the new,
bijou, Sandwell College, who said he had no idea what we were talking about,
but could see some synergy of an airport, with the notion that it was going to
cost far less than £20 million for the College to convert The Public into
something useful, because every time they said that, there were reports of pigs
flying over West Bromwich town centre.
In the interests of fairness and balance we sought an
interview with someone from The Public. She strenuously rejected the charges
that The Public had been a complete and utter waste of time; space and money,
and that it was as infantile and vacuous in concept as it is artistically
vacant in reality. She also completely refuted the notion that the bulk of
visitors are merely in transit, via The Public’s lavatories, to the bus
station.
She went on to claim that, in an age where it is generally
accepted that less is more, the complete nothingness which The Public has to
offer is positively orgasmic.
With that, she ran off squealing.
So, exciting times ahead.
Check back here for regular updates on the new airports.
By the way, I saw the Sandwell Official Jag recently, and
noted the registration number as 1 HA.
Is there, I wondered, something subliminal here?
Is some wag at Sandwell trying to tell us that, at one HA
short of a HA HA, Sandwell isn’t even a joke any more?
.
