There's something in the air at Sandwell

There has been some speculation about the purpose of, what looks like, a short section of roadway, which has appeared in Sandwell Valley during the last week.

Although this roadway doesn’t actually lead anywhere yet, I can reveal, exclusively, that it will.

Sources close to Sandwell have informed me that this is the first stage of the main runway for Sandwell’s first airport.

To be known as Sandwell International, the airport will be the hub of a network of airports which are to be built during the next few years and which are to be located at Tipton; Smethwick; Wednesbury and Oldbury.

Asked about the rationale for the airport network, the new, £450,000 a year, Sandwell Airports Commissioner said that it was mainly because the car sharing scheme had not worked as well as the Council would have liked. Accordingly, the Council, after lengthy investigation and consultation, with themselves, have sanctioned the in-Borough air transport scheme which, it is claimed, will reduce road traffic by as much as 1% by 2028.

The Commissioner went on to say that it would provide much needed additional capacity to cater for things like the influx of visitors to the fantastic new Tesco store in West Bromwich, and to the hugely successful art gallery, The Public, although, unfortunately, not before it closes in November.

‘This is another first for Sandwell,’ he said, ’and will provide a massive boost to the local economy. We estimate that Sandwell International will create 2,000 new full-time jobs, 50 of which will be at the airport itself and the rest in Sandwell Council House.’

But can this be cost-justified?

‘Yes.’ the Commissioner said,’ It has been fully costed, and, using a new kind of cost sharing scheme, pioneered by the Private Initiative ‘Sandwell Style’ Office, we are confident that the costs of the project will be met.’

Pressed on this point, the Commissioner elaborated.’ The Private Initiative ‘Sandwell Style’ Office will be calling on Sandwell residents, who will benefit most from the initiative, to shoulder a fair share of the costs. So, there will be a Council Tax Airport supplement of £1 per house per annum, which will, over the next 250 years, raise £31.5 million. And’ he said’ the Office has applied to the Arts Council for the other £43.5 billion.’

Has there been any reaction yet from the Arts Council?

‘Oh Yes,’ said the Commissioner,’We were greatly encouraged by an almost immediate response.’

Which was?

‘Well, we are in the process of clarifying that at the moment. The text of the response seems to have been largely lost, due to some technical matter, leaving only an abridged form of the Office’s address, but we expect to have the full text soon.’

No one from the Council was available for comment as they are still all on holiday in case it starts raining here.

However, we were able to speak to someone from the new, bijou, Sandwell College, who said he had no idea what we were talking about, but could see some synergy of an airport, with the notion that it was going to cost far less than £20 million for the College to convert The Public into something useful, because every time they said that, there were reports of pigs flying over West Bromwich town centre.

In the interests of fairness and balance we sought an interview with someone from The Public. She strenuously rejected the charges that The Public had been a complete and utter waste of time; space and money, and that it was as infantile and vacuous in concept as it is artistically vacant in reality. She also completely refuted the notion that the bulk of visitors are merely in transit, via The Public’s lavatories, to the bus station.

She went on to claim that, in an age where it is generally accepted that less is more, the complete nothingness which The Public has to offer is positively orgasmic.

With that, she ran off squealing.

So, exciting times ahead.

Check back here for regular updates on the new airports.

By the way, I saw the Sandwell Official Jag recently, and noted the registration number as 1 HA.

Is there, I wondered, something subliminal here?

Is some wag at Sandwell trying to tell us that, at one HA short of a HA HA, Sandwell isn’t even a joke any more?

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